The Bunny Approach
by Eternal Contradiction
Summary: --Complete-- Easter is approaching, and the newest foe looks as innocent as a bunny, (in fact it's a man dressed up as the Easter Bunny) but is dangerous enough to strike terror into the hearts of the Gundam Gang. HYRP slight DMHS
1. Burn, Baby, Burn!

Summary: Easter is approaching, and the newest foe looks as innocent as a bunny, (in fact it's a man dressed up as the Easter Bunny) but is dangerous enough to strike terror into the hearts of the Gundam Gang. HYRP slight DMHS   
  
Chapter 1/3: Burn, Baby, Burn!

* * *

The Bunny Approach   
  
When the word Easter is heard by people worldwide the two terms that come to mind are 'Jesus' and 'chocolate.' Usually together they sound something like, "Sweet Jesus, who ate all my chocolate!" Followed by severe ranting and threats before the person remembers one of two things, they ate the stuff themselves, or they hid it somewhere.   
  
Despite changes in the surrounding world since the colonies were established 307 years previous, a good fraction of the population were still Christians and the other fraction didn't mind getting Easter weekend reprieve from work. The only arguments came from those of hardcore Atheist faith, and not many people paid them any mind after they established their own anti-chapels and began preaching their philosophy. Both believers and non-believers alike condoned these Atheists who were complete contradictions to what it meant to be an Atheist.   
  
Relena grabbed a bottle of Evian from her mini-fridge and flopped down on her couch. Finally, she had a small vacation from her hectic schedule to put her feet up, sleep, and maybe watch a movie or two with her girl friends. Not to mention eat chocolate guilt-free. She sighed and chugged down some water while looking out the bay-window of her living room into the vast dead-green spring acreage of her estate. A leaf that escaped last fall's strenuous raking rolled across the muddy slopes, making her wonder when the last time was she had sat just to look out a window.   
  
Her work cell-phone beeped and she casually cleared up a few last minute details while idly rubbing off the sticker on her water. The cushioned seat she was sitting on regained its original shape when she pushed herself off and peered closely at a shadow flitting through the trees before her house. A white arm pitched forward, sending a homemade bomb through the window. Her own arm jerked upward to shield her eyes from the shattering glass as the missile flew past her head and settled in the center of her armchair. The cushion cradled it from exploding on impact. Relena frantically pushed the panic-button on her phone before backing slowly away- watching the Molotov cocktail wearily.   
  
For a fleeting moment she considered tossing her water at the smoldering chair, before recalling that Evian was naïve backwards. If she disturbed the still lethal bomb, it would truly give meaning to the term naïve. She tripped on the over-sized rug in front of the fireplace and fell on its padded dead-animalness. Bullets peppered the room as she started to crawl towards the door muttering her hopes that no bullet would detonate the explosive concoction before she reached safety.   
  
The sound of the explosion drowned out the one scream that pierced her lips, and yet miles away the recipient felt a chill crawl down his spine.

* * *

A disheveled figure staggered through the door of the Legolas' pub. Where the only thing that wasn't on the menu was the hot elfin man himself. The proprietor was one of the LOTR groupies and constantly had the second millennium version playing on the holo-screen suspended from the ceiling. Preventors frequented the establishment because of its close proximity to headquarters and the meat was rarely burned, freezer or otherwise. Half the men in the bar inched their hand closer to their weapons as the door swung open.   
  
The female locked eyes with a dangerous looking warrior alone in a corner and she crossed the room towards him. All Preventors went at ease and saluted the newcomer before returning to their happy-hour drinks and miserable lives. A drunk civilian reached around and grabbed the petite blonde's ass, snickering. A moment later he wet himself when guns once again emerged from hiding.   
  
One over-eager, over-inebriated private accidentally fired his weapon, hitting the pervert on his flubby derriere. The soldier snickered and called out, "That's one genuine butt-hole… get it? Butt. Hole." He fell off his barstool and wobbled out the door with his buddies jeering after him.   
  
The female gingerly sat across from the nearly-smirking ex-pilot and let her head fall to the table in exhaustion.   
  
"You look like Hades, and I doubt that mustard you fell in will help the bruise on your head." Gesturing to the saucer-shaped spill on the table he pulled her up and placed a wad of paper towels between her forehead and the scarred table. He shook her gently when a snore emerged from her slightly parted lips. She jarred awake after his foot connected solidly with her shin.   
  
"Couldn't you let me sleep?" When she sat up, toweling was stuck to her forehead.   
  
"You probably have a concussion."   
  
"You know darn well I don't have a concussion. Sally gave you a larger report on my condition than she gave me." Relena pulled up the left sleeve of her shirt. "You know how many stitches I have without even counting them. But I bet you'll want to count them anyway!" She muttered 'control freak' under her breath and jerked the sleeve down.   
  
"I've seen worse. I will count the other stitches you got. Sally was very non-specific about that wound." He raised an eyebrow. "Show me?"   
  
"What? Here? It wasn't very large of a cut, but it bled a lot. Besides, my bra is covering it." He broke into maniacal laughter.   
  
"Yes, and I'd never be able to get past the restrictions and padding of a bra." Heads swerved. It wasn't often impassive-man showed emotion other than monotony and distaste.   
  
"Stop it Heero, people are staring. And they are all trained in lip-reading. I can't understand why you chose this place to meet."   
  
"Not many would dare pull a hit in a pubic Preventor hangout. I need to know the foe." He left the statement open in typical Heero-speech for her to answer without him asking.   
  
"It was a life-size rabbit, ok, a freaken rabbit!"   
  
"The Easter Bunny blew you up? You have a concussion." He ran a hand through his deep-chocolate hair and took a meditative sip of his beer. "It's the perfect guise." He murmured, more for her benefit than his own. Quickly he rose from the table and stalked out of the over-crowded room.   
  
"Oh yes, just leave the one with third-degree butt burns stuck at the table." Relena snarled as she tried to inch her way to a stand. Her hand slipped on the mustard spill and she fell, whacking her head on the table before speeding towards the floor. Just before impact hands grabbed her from behind. She looked up into Duo's worried, yet somehow still cheerful violet eyes and expelled the breath she had been holding.   
  
"Hey warrior-princess, you should get your head checked. You could have a concussion." He pulled her to her feet while she scowled at him. He sauntered out of the bar, imperceptibly supporting her weight with him. "They're saying that the firefighters found you rolling in the mud trying to extinguish your ass."   
  
"They can say all they want. I doubt they would have stood there and made rump-roast."   
  
Duo chortled. "The only humour I like better than yours is my own. I met Heero gliding out the door and he asked me to keep you safe for the afternoon while he checked out a lead."   
  
"No you didn't. That would have taken you at least a minute, and it didn't take me that long to get up."   
  
"The way I saw it, you weren't getting up at all. And you were struggling for quite a while."   
  
"No way!" She poked him in the arm. "This is what happened. You were supposed to be in the bar with Heero when I got there, but as always you were late. So when you ran into him coming out, he probably glared and jerked his thumb at me."   
  
"Yeah, you know people too well. I was assigned to look after you today though. Shoot any innocent bunnies, hold parcels if you go shoe shopping, make sure you don't sleep with that bump on your head..."   
  
She bristled. "I don't know which of those was more insulting. Who said anything about shoe shopping?" Duo pointed across the street to where Hilde was madly waving from the passenger seat of her blood red 'Gundam.' Both she and Hilde had loved the irony and immediately each invested when this year's newest car model had been dubbed 'Gundam.' The real pilots didn't understand the satire.   
  
"Hilde planned to go shopping for new spring clothes. I needed a car…"   
  
"Why do you need a car? You didn't break your keys trying to carve Wufei's name into the elevator again, did you?"   
  
"Naw." He opened the back door for her and helped her bend in. "He threw them in a clogged urinal and took a wizz on them after I volunteered him for janitorial duties at this year's Easter Shindig." Duo shuddered as he slid into the driver's seat. "I taped them to the bottom of his coffee pot. He'll find them on his seventh cup today." Duo muttered that the daily coffee habit was the reason the man was able to completely cover his keys in the first place.   
  
"Disgusting." Hilde murmured with pride.

* * *

They emerged from the mall with spiked heels Hilde declared to be 'man-killers,' a few spring overpriced and under-made skirts and blouses, flimsy lingerie and hundreds missing from their credit cards. Duo sulked across the lot lugging the purchases, trying to remain ill tempered, but every time he remembered the underwear the grin that spread across his face ruined all appearances of grumpiness.   
  
Hilde waved to a woman across the parking lot who was beckoning outrageously with a novel clutched in one hand. The lady scuttled across the slick spring asphalt at a speed that couldn't be safe on semi-frozen melted snow. Her elbow thwacked jarringly against a rearview mirror of a parked Toyota and she fell backwards, limbs flailing, and skidded to a stop at Duo's feet.   
  
Duo smiled charmingly as she stumbled to her feet and grabbed Hilde. "Oh Miss Maxwell. I think your books are just so awesome. I just bought the newest one and so far I adore it. Will you sign it for me?"   
  
It was ironic that Hilde's nom de plume she had joking created when she believed her first novel would never be published was now coming back to haunt her. Duo teased her mercilessly that if she wanted his last name she'd have to pay a fee. Once in a while it was used as a sexual innuendo, but mostly it was in terms of cooking him food.   
  
Hilde embarrassedly scribbled her name on the book cover, using the woman's eyeliner to go so. She then suggested to cover it with hairspray or clear nail polish so it wouldn't smudge, but the fanlady declared it wasn't needed because she had the expensive smudge-free crap. Relena refrained from mentioning she had began to cry in excitement and it appeared as if she was weeping soot.   
  
The woman hugged Hilde once more, then embraced her two companions. Relena grunted in pain, but Duo grinned wickedly. "I'm so pleased to meet characters from the books too. I've always wondered what straight gay bar strippers and neurotic deodorant testers were like in real life."   
  
Relena blinked as she skipped away. The woman was nuts, not only was she convinced fictional characters were real, but skipping in sub-zero temperatures across ice had to be up there with bringing a hairdryer in the shower and eating food prepared by a Gundam pilot on the suicide list.   
  
"Obsessed lipgloss-crazed female. As if I could ever pass for a gay stripper." Duo stalked away insulted, his braid swinging slightly in the cool breeze.   
  
With clothes and being piled into the car, Duo climbed behind the wheel and escaped in a frenzy of tires against slush. He gave the fanatic a rude gesture before hightailing it out of the parking lot. He hadn't gone more than a few blocks before the rear bumper was walloped by a jeep. Duo muttered about the evils of city drivers and sped up.   
  
"What are you doing! You nut… this isn't the type of Gundam you're accustomed to. Imagine the damage one bullet could cause." Hilde frantically whipped her head around and stared out the back window. Relena didn't know what the brunette had to worry about, she wasn't the one sitting smushed in the back seat. "Ommigod. It's the Easter bunny. I bet he's on his way to give chocolate to poor orphan children and in his haste didn't see us here."   
  
As Hilde continued to mutter about Duo pulling over and letting rabbit-man pass Relena rummaged through her purse snarling. Not finding any mysteriously appearing weaponry she grabbed the nearest bag and started ripping open boxes. Finding what she was seeking, she rolled down the window and stuck her head out. "Hey fuzzy! I'm missing half my body hair because of you. Like to blow things up huh?… well blow this!" She hurled her one of new four inch 'man-killer' heels out the window.   
  
The spike drilled its way through the windshield of the jeep, bounced off the masquerader's head, out the open driver's window onto the street and blew out the tire of an oncoming taxi. The jeep sideswept a parked car and wrapped itself around a telephone pole. Duo looked back at her in misplaced pride. "Shit pms-princess… you killed the Easter bunny."   
  
Within minutes an ambulance had arrived on the scene and took away the bunny plus the irate lawyer in the taxi groaning about suing and his heart palpitations. Even as the attorney carped and gasped he managed to give the unconscious bunny his business card. Relena was escorted to the back of a police car to be questioned while Hilde sat on a curb jotting it down for her next book and Duo paced wringing his hands.   
  
By the time she emerged, her own lawyer had appeared and was speaking in hushed tones to Heero beside the desecrated jeep. Relena approached them; Trowa had the good grace to leave Relena and Heero alone for a moment. Heero just shook his head and walked around her, their shoulders brushing. With his back to her, Heero began to articulate.   
  
"Of all the attempts on your life, you finally fight back this one time. And this one time it happens to be a non-threatening incident where you almost kill a father of four." He peered over his shoulder. "Why didn't I kill you long ago?"   
  
"I'm too cute to kill." She gave what she hoped was an endearing smile. How was she to know the man had been going home to surprise his kids? As far as she was concerned it took a deranged man to wear that suit in public. She probably did the kids a favour... 'As if!' she reflected miserably. She would have loved it if her father had taken the time to be home for Easter, let alone dress up as the Easter bunny. Depression set in and her smile wobbled. Now she had killed some innocent child's father.   
  
"Good job you didn't have a gun. It would be harder for me to clean up that mess." Heero stalked away, motioning to Trowa that he was finished. The silent lawyer ambled over and gracefully lowered himself onto the hood of a parked car. She followed a lot less elegantly and missed the car completely. Falling into the wet street, she added bruises to the burn.   
  
He scooped down and helped her lean relatively painlessly against the car. "Sorry about your butt."   
  
"No you aren't. I have to sit in a plastic doughnut for the next two weeks." They sat in silence for a moment. "Sally says I shouldn't have any scars." Trowa nodded mutely. "How much trouble am I in this time?"   
  
"Tons. But I'm representing you." Relena nodded wondering if this man's ego had no bounds. It was true that he was the best and it would take him seconds to win the case, but he didn't have to point it out ever chance he got. They leaned against the car for a few minutes before Trowa departed without a word.   
  
"Have a Happy Easter." Relena called after him. He acknowledged with a flick of his fingers, which was as good as a 'right back atcha' from the Wordless One.   
  
When Trowa was completely out of sight Relena beckoned Hilde towards her. The peppy author scuttled over and plopped herself on the space Trowa's fine rear had just vacated. They sat watching the clean up crew remove the accident scene, Hilde jabbering on about how awesomely hilarious the whole thing was, and the great scene it would make in her newest book. Duo finally beckoned riotously from across the street and yelled something that was lost in the city clamor.   
  
"I think he's saying its time to leave." Hilde jumped up and started across the street.   
  
"Uh… do you think you could help me up?"

* * *

Part one of The Bunny Approach. Stay tune for the rest of the trilogy. If you enjoyed this, then why not try out my other stories?   
  
©RelenaFanel


	2. Heero's Place

Summary: Easter is approaching, and the newest foe looks as innocent as a bunny, (in fact it's a man dressed up as the Easter Bunny) but is dangerous enough to strike terror into the hearts of the Gundam Gang. HYRP slight DMHS   
  
Chapter 2/3: Heero's Place (as Spartan as it is)

* * *

Relena struggled to remember the various codes and keys of her apartment lock. Her country house had been cordoned off until the police finished their investigation and professionals repaired the missing living room floor. Though she lived in the apartment during the week, it never had a homey feel to it. She never quite 'lived' in the spacious three bedroom affluent dwelling. It was a fourteen-story building developed for affluent citizens of the city. The foremost lure of it was the discretion and privacy provided by the one apartment per floor. Relena figured it was a waste of good space, but the apparent privacy of it was a major contributory factor for her acceptance of the offer for residence.   
  
Yeah, wasn't that a kick in the mouth? The only way a person came to live in Majestic Parlors was if the proprietor offered. It was all quite snobbishly amusing. Finally the first-class Yuy-Security system gave way to her passwords and she stumbled half-heartedly into the highly modern designed abode. Falling facedown onto her couch, she immediately passed out after the horrifying day she put in.   
  
A few hours later she awoke to her phone ringing, she pleasantly ignored it until the machine picked up and a very irate voice resonated through the room, practically growling 'Dammit Relena!' Instantaneously she knew it was Heero by the way her heartbeat sped up and how the sound of his voice was enough to raise her out of a lazy sleep.   
  
Rubbing a hand absently over her gritty eyes, she rolled painfully off the overly cushioned couch and grabbed the phone. She groggily said 'hello' until it dawned on her the dial tone was answering her back. She slammed the phone down and played all her messages.   
  
"Call me." That one was from Heero. "Pick up. New case development." From him as well.   
  
The next message sent chills down her spine. A squeaky cartoon-like voice filled the far reaches of her apartment and caused her to cease breathing in fear. "Hello beautiful Relena. You have been a naughty pacifist today. Those shoes weren't meant to throw at the innocent; they were supposed to be worn with the wicked underwear for me tonight. No matter, I would have made sure you weren't wearing them for long." A high-pitched giggling made her grab a nearby chair for support as the air was knocked out of her completely. "I look forward to our next reunion."   
  
Desperate for breath, she slid to the floor and tried to collect her senses. The lush taupe carpet padded her fall, and she remained there for several moments. When the phone rang she nearly bolted out of her skin.   
  
"Heero! I'm afraid…" She cut off when she was greeted by sinister feeling silence on the line. Slamming the phone down, she grabbed the recorded CD out of the answering machine and hurried out the door. She left without her keys, nor her shoes. The elevator doors slid open and she cautiously peered in before entering, maneuvering as if she was a bad spy in an even worse action movie. Pressing the down button, she descended two floors before coming to a halt. The doors slid open and she gazed into ominous eyes.   
  
"He called me." She pushed the CD against his chest. Heero assessed her for a moment before opening his door. Unlike herself, it only took him seconds to gain entry. Without him saying so, she knew he had been on his way to see her. Heero had qualified for the apartment building when his security company became leading in its field on and off planet a few years back. He felt utter distain towards its other inhabitants, but this was expected since Heero felt distain towards almost everyone.   
  
Gesturing towards his comparatively stark living room, he walked coolly to the entertainment center and injected the CD. Relena took a seat on his plain green couch and hugged a matching pillow to her chest. Impassive-man listened for a moment in silence then looked at her. "That's me."   
  
"Not that message, the next one!" Any emotions Heero may have been partially showing shut down as the first syllables of the psycho's statement pitched into the room. Relena jammed her eyes shut and lodged her head between a pillow and the couch. The cushiony softness wasn't enough to drone out the recollection of the message and she found herself listening to it once more in her mind. She peeked at Heero in time to see him calculatingly grab his gun and shoot the heck out of a speaker. "Good job the walls are soundproof, or someone might call the Preventors to report a suspected murder." She tried to joke, easing the tense air surrounding them and her own prevalent fears.   
  
"I can think of much better uses for soundproofing." He did the panther-like strolling thing over to her side. "He's a fool. His voice is now recorded. In no time I'll have him tracked." Heero's way of reassuring her- comparing his own superiority to that of the criminal.   
  
"It could take days before the voice prints match. He'll kill me by then. How could this get any worse?"   
  
"You're staying here tonight."   
  
Relena's heart fluttered and she grinned sassily at him. That was reassuring, if only to their nonexistent relationship. "Ok, but you better not try anything."   
  
Heero looked up from his computer and winged an eyebrow. "I wouldn't have to try very hard." He tapped a few keys then gave her his full attention. "I'm re-linking your telephone to ring here and setting up a recording machine and tracer. Keep silent for a while."   
  
"Is that legal?" He gave her a quelling look. Right, what was she thinking; of course it wasn't legal. She let him continue working wonders with his fingertips and wandered into his chrome kitchen. Nothing in his fridge was the least bit appealing, probably because it was empty. She was considering making him go get some food from her place when a can off spaghetti-o's caught her eye. It was a bit dusty, and she couldn't find an expiry date anywhere, so she opened the can and dumped the contents in a bowl. Checking for maggots, or something equally as nasty, she stuffed it into the microwave.   
  
"Is that spaghetti stuff edible?"   
  
"I don't have spaghetti." She shoved the can in his face. His eyes widened slightly as he hurried into the kitchen, grabbed it from the microwave and threw it in the sink. Pushing her under the table he sprayed it with water and stuffed as much as he could back into the can.   
  
"Aw, what am I supposed to eat now?"   
  
"You couldn't eat this anyway. Highly explosive material." He glared at the pile of noodle mush clogging his sink. "It should have detonated before I reached it." He eyed the microwave quizzically for a few seconds.   
  
"I didn't turn it on." Relena replied helpfully.   
  
He looked at the can again, twirling it with his long fingers. "This stuff was real food." He tossed the can in the garbage and went back to his computer unconcerned.   
  
"Hey! What am I supposed to eat now?" 

* * *

She finally resorted to eating his secret horde of chocolate, and left a scathing note in its place. She hoped it incensed him enough to buy real food. How did he live? He looked too fit to always eat takeout. Wandering around his spartan apartment, Relena looked for hiding places. She knew he had an arsenal covertly stashed in each of the rooms, but they were well concealed to her passive mindset. Well, in all seriousness, who thought like Heero anyway? She enjoyed her secret amusement of trying to discern where he kept his weaponry (some of it not legal).   
  
Heero walked into the hallway as she had her ear pressed against the floor and her finger poking the base of the wall inch by inch, listening for hollow sounds. He walked by without a word. A few minutes later she was under a table tapping on the wood underneath. He walked back from the bathroom, glanced at her for a second then went back into his living room.   
  
"My brain is the weapon. Stop crawling on my floor and picking up dirt. I pay people to mop."   
  
Insulted, and not quite surprised he knew what she was doing, she picked herself up and drifted into his fitness room. She pondered doing a few exercised, and then remembered her butt was still in a sling and figured that wasn't a good idea. She didn't really like exercising anyway. She drifted back into the living room and eyed Heero, wondering if she could distract him and run off with the laptop. As if answering her musings, he shifted the laptop closer to him.   
  
"I'm not going to look."   
  
He shrugged.   
  
"I'm hungry."   
  
He didn't even dignify that with a gestured response.   
  
"Can we order a pizza?" Her stomach seconded that idea by rumbling loudly.   
  
"Even if it can be here within thirty minutes, there is security to think of."   
  
"Heero! I hate to whine, but you are always trying to force me to eat when I'm not hungry, and now that I want to eat, you tell me security is an issue. It's just a pizza!"   
  
"Fine, we'll get a pizza." He picked up the phone and started to browse for a number. "Toppings?"   
  
"Let's get Chinese."   
  
He sent a glare her way and hung up on the pizza guy. Within seconds he redialed and stared at her expectantly. "Don't tell me you want a pizza."   
  
She grinned slyly, and was almost tempted to push his patience, but decided against it if she wanted him to treat her to a meal. "Eggrolls, sweet and sour chicken balls, beef fried rice, garlic ribs, and chicken chop suey."   
  
Heero almost rolled his eyes at her amazingly anglicized idea of Chinese cuisine. The man taking the order quickly scribbled on a small pad and grinned crookedly at them. "Our special contest for the evening says if you can name where chicken chop suey originated, we'll give you the meal for free."   
  
Heero crossed his arms over his chest and stared at the man impassively. "Double that order."   
  
The man nodded gleefully as Heero pressed the button on the phone which would transmit his address.   
  
"San Francisco." With that, Heero disconnected the conversation.   
  
"Were you right?" Of course he didn't dignify that with a response. Obviously he was right. "What normal person knows stuff like that?"   
  
She was ignored until the doorbell rang a bit later. "I never claimed to be normal." With that he left to answer the door. Relena grinned after him. Score! She scrambled over to his desk and peered at his laptop as if it would release all the secrets of the universe.   
  
"Hey! All this time you've been playing solitaire?" She had to stare at him. His work on the laptop always seemed so important, taking up his full concentration and attention.   
  
"It isn't like I could ask you to play a game." He shrugged and dug into the eggrolls. "It's called sol-it-aire."   
  
That was not the point. All her perceptions of him were going down the tube. How could she respect someone who played solitaire in their spare time? It was like… he was claiming to be normal!   
  
She grabbed her rice and gulped down a few bites, staring spitefully at the game. "What's it a cover for?"   
  
He grunted. "Classified."   
  
"But is it a cover?" She mumbled between chews.   
  
He gave her the patented are-you-insane look. "Do you think solitaire would be a challenge to me?"   
  
Not really, but that was the point of her questionings. Realizing he'd never give her a straight answer, she recommenced eating. He didn't like to talk while he was eating anyway. He didn't like to talk, period.   
  
"Did that delivery guy look like Wufei to you?" A strand of hair fell in her face and he watched her impatiently push it behind her ear before accidentally chewing on it.   
  
"Wufei is currently working on an undercover mission."   
  
Which still wasn't answering her question. A drop of sweet and sour sauce dripped on his chin, distracting her. Ah well, it was better just to watch the hotness that was Heero eating. It was right up there with Heero being grumpy, and Heero breathing.   
  
After supper she cleaned up and sat in his living room to watch the clock tick and Heero typing on his laptop. After she stared at him questioningly and disapprovingly a few times, he finally growled that he was not playing solitaire. Bored with not doing anything, and tired beyond belief, she finally decided to forget about staying awake and crawled into Heero's only bed.   
  
A few hours later she could sense Heero crawling in next to her in her dreaming haze. They had stopped being squeamish about sleeping in the same bed when they had been trapped in a malfunctioning bomb shelter for a week. The place had a tiny bed, and a shelf of nonperishable food supplies, a sink and a toilet. She supposed they were lucky for the running water and the toilet, but since they were against one of the walls of the room without cover, it had just been further embarrassment at the time.   
  
Darn these platonic relationships! How were they supposed to get in a few jollies if he didn't mind sharing a bed with her? Of course, the bed was pretty big, and Heero had always been pretty good controlling himself. That made her wonder just how good he was. It was Heero, after all.   
  
Her remaining sleep was uninterrupted until the early reaches of the morning, when the sky was turning a dull grey, and light was starting to leak through the curtains. The phone shrilled through the quiet air, only previously disrupted by their breathing. She swore she heard Heero's eyes snap open a second before he cursed and jumped out of bed. The blanket twisted around his foot and he pulled her to the ground before disentangling himself. The pain in her bottom just began to register as he picked up the phone snarling. Heero was not a morning person (nor afternoon and night, it seemed). The recording picked up as a telemarketer launched into his spiel. Heero hung up in disgust, and walked back into his room, only to find Relena blinking tiredly from the floor. Gently placing her back on the bed, he watched her peaceful face ease back to sleep, before heading to complete his daily exercises.   
  
A few hours later she awoke to the sound of a door shutting. All her muscles were sore and she had to struggle just to get out of the bed. It was amazing to think she had just been blown up yesterday. Finally she managed to make her way to the bathroom. Her hair was a frizzy tangle of dead, half burnt strands; a bruise had formed below her right eye, and it hurt to pee (but only because she had to sit). She tried to undress on her own and noticed a trickle of blood dried on the chest of her shirt. Panicking she yelled for Heero, but he didn't appear. The door closing must have been him leaving the apartment. Almost in tears she inspected the stitches and found a few had unraveled through the night and every movement she made threatened to reopen them.   
  
After what seemed like pain-filled hours she undressed and took a steaming shower in hopes to wash off dried blood and the smell of smoke, which was beginning to nauseate her. She stumbled out of the shower when she realized more of the stitches were unraveling. Her foot slipped on the floor, and she grabbed for the shower curtain. Pulling it completely down, she banged her head on the tap before blacking out for a moment. The wound gaping completely open.   
  
She awoke covered in blood. She grabbed one of Heero's green towels and watched it seep darkly into the thick threads. Tears leaking from her eyes she grabbed a shirt out of the dirty clothes hamper and struggled to put it on while keeping the towel in place. Realizing the futility of the gesture, she abandoned the towel on the floor and tried to stand. Her head spun dangerously and she leaned against the tiled wall for a second. Feeling better, she crawled out of the tub and inched her way from bathroom, pausing every once in a while to maintain consciousness.   
  
Not caring about the click of the recording machine, she dialed Hilde's number with her fumbling fingers. One of her hands braced against the table, tangled in the power cord of the phone, and her other hand was pressed against the wound in a attempt to stop the flow of blood. The authoress answered cheerfully and Relena looked into the face of her best-friend. Hilde's eyes widened as she took in the pacifist's appearance.   
  
"Relena… what's wrong?"   
  
"Get me to the hospital." Relena fell to the floor and dragged the vid-phone with her. It bounced off her upraised arm and landed sideways on the floor by her head.   
  
"Ommigod!!! Relena! Are you ok? You're bleeding." Relena could only look at her friend with disorientation as the raven-haired woman screamed for Duo to pick up the phone. Relena cringed at the noise as the phone image split in two and Duo took up half the screen.   
  
"Just stay where you are Rel, we'll be right over." Duo always knew how to handle rough situations.   
  
"I'm at Heero's." Duo just nodded, as if he expected as much, while Hilde grinned and gave her a thumbs up. Weakly, she lost awareness again.   
  
©RelenaFanel


	3. Chocolate should never be shared!

The Bunny Approach  
  
She awoke to the sickly sweet smell of a sterile hospital. Hilde was watching concernedly from a chair by her bed. Relena tried to sit up, only to give up on the gesture early on. Hilde picked up the bed remote and the bed moved into a sitting position.  
  
"How long have I been out?"  
  
"A few hours. We were so worried. I swear you took a few days off my life when we found you just lying there." She chortled mirthlessly. "It looked as if you had been shot, but all you needed was a few stitches."  
  
"Any idea why it ripped open like that?"  
  
Hilde shrugged. "Shoddy workmanship all around. The intern who sewed you up also left a tiny shard of glass in the wound. So I guess you're actually very lucky it opened. Sally was a very irate doctor. I figured she was going to take a life after saving so many each day." Hilde picked a piece of lint off her shirt. As an afterthought she grinned. "So you have stitches on your boob huh? Great story idea."  
  
Relena groaned. It seemed as if aspects of her life were always turning up in Hilde's novels. In fact, she wouldn't be surprised if Hilde didn't have to come up with an original book idea, all she had to do was mooch off the drama of her friend's lives.  
  
"You know, I'm surprised Heero isn't here breathing down my neck. It's almost pleasant." Relena forced a grin. Some mad man was trying to kill her and she was all alone. Well she had Hilde, but the raven-haired novelist didn't count. She just wasn't Heero.  
  
Hilde's eyes widened. She tried to cough discretely while rummaging through her purse for her cell phone. She flipped it on, tried dialing, then slammed it against her knee a few times in frustration.  
  
"You do realize that cell phones are prohibited in hospitals? They have interference now so you can't place a call."  
  
"Dammit, I've got to tell Duo. I can't believe we were so stupid." She emphasized this by drilling her phone into her forehead then muttering about how much it hurt.  
  
"What? It should be able to wait until you can get to a pay phone."  
  
"Not really. We forgot to tell Heero."  
  
"You what! But I got blood all over his floor. Holy crapperoni. He'll take a fit. You know how he gets." Relena shook her head for a second and burst out laughing. Hilde looked at her strangely.  
  
"You probably have a concussion."  
  
"I don't have a concussion, gundammit! Think about the expression on his face when he comes home. He'll tear that building apart brick by brink in a matter of seconds. Then he'll eat it."  
  
"Yeah, that must be why he always looks constipated." Hilde started to cackle, hitting her hand against her knee in mirth. Relena's own amusement was cut short when she looked to the doorway to see GlareMan staring icily at her. She looked at the unaware woman across from her, and the man she loved lounging in the doorframe scrutinizing her, and began laughing with true enjoyment. It didn't take long for her laugh to turn into hiccupping gasps for breath. Hilde looked at her startled, but that was mild compared to the fright she got when Heero grabbed her arm and pushed her out of the room.  
  
A few minutes later Relena managed to catch her breath. Heero watched unconcerned from the chair he had forced Hilde to vacate. She grabbed a glass of water and gulped down a few mouthfuls. They sat in silence.  
  
"When can I get out of here? These synthetic cotton blankets are itchy."  
  
Heero's posture was so perfect it appeared as if he was one with the chair. He grunted indifferently and reached for a box of chocolates Duo had left with her. Plopping a few in his mouth he offered her one of her own chocolates and ate the rest.  
  
"Hey. those were mine."  
  
"Someone," He growled pointedly, "ate mine."  
  
Ignoring the closest she would probably come to hearing him whine, she leaned over despite the pain and grabbed the very last one from his hand. "When will I be able to go home? You deliberately ignored the question a minute ago. So tell me or I'll eat this."  
  
He raised an eyebrow subtly as if to ask why he should care. "I'd never be that desperate for candy. You aren't going home. It should be safe here. The floor is cordoned off. The only company you have is the man in the bunny suit you hit." He got up to leave. She sighed and went to eat the chocolate before it completely melted in her hand. "Willing to share that?"  
  
She looked up surprises; Heero usually was unwilling to share, yet alone suggest it. He took the opportunity the snatch the chocolate and plop it in his mouth. No sooner were the words 'I thought we were going to share,' out of her mouth when he leaned over and kissed her. Indeed, the chocolatey sweetness was shared.  
  
Heero left the hospital room half an hour later and practically ran into a fretting Duo. He kept striding towards the elevator. Duo looked uncertainly between Relena's room and Heero, finally scurrying after the ex- gundam pilot. "Heya. Did you notice if Relena ate any of those chocolates I left?"  
  
Dorothy walked towards them coming off the elevator. They nodded to each other and continued on their way. Heero barely acknowledged either of their existences.  
  
"Come on Superheero," Duo chortled vaguely at the joke which was becoming old. "It's important that she eats them. Dr. Sally and I crammed her sedative into them."  
  
Heero's eyes practically snapped lightening in fury. He didn't trust himself to speak or move until his rage abated. He managed to spit out 'she had a few,' before lunging for Duo's neck.  
  
"Whoa, then what's the problem? She won't be in pain for a few hours."  
  
"I had more." Duo had time to choke out a curse word before Heero collapsed in a pile of drugged muscle and flesh. Duo's eyes bulged and he cursed more, kicking Heero in the ribs in frustration.  
  
Meanwhile Dorothy sauntered into Relena's room without knocking. She sat down and stared at Relena for a moment. "You know what Miss Relena? Its Easter and I haven't had an ounce of chocolate yet. I don't suppose you have any left?"  
  
"What is it with you people and chocolate? No there isn't any left! Can you smell it, or do you have some sort of chocolate radar?"  
  
"Actually you have some on your chin. It looks like you were positively devouring them."  
  
"Yeah," she sighed with a foolish grin across her lips. "There was definitely some devouring going on."  
  
"Uh huh, that's nice. Can I have that little bit on your chin?"  
  
"What? NO!" Relena pinched her when she tried to force herself towards the chocolate. "What's wrong with you?" Dorothy seemed to snap out of a trance as Relena wiped her chin off.  
  
"Wow, that's disturbing and disgusting. Sorry Rele. Maybe I should go buy my own. I'll be right back."  
  
"Ok, see." She collapsed against her pillow. Dorothy raised an eyebrow and leaned in to make sure she hadn't died. Relena suddenly bolted up out of her sleep, almost clouting a startled Dorothy with her head. ". you later."  
  
Dorothy left in time to spot Duo dragging Heero into one of the empty rooms. Duo turned the corner through the door pulling his legs and Heero's head smacked against the doorframe. Duo groaned and let go of his feet. They struck the floor and one of his combat boots slid off. The braided-man peeked over his unconscious friend to make sure he wasn't awakening before picking up the feet again. The door of the room slammed shut, banging the perfect soldier on the head. Dorothy could hear Duo's 'why me' all the way out in the hall.  
  
She turned and left, tripped over a little wizened old man mopping the floor, and landed facedown in the bucket. Her shoulders got lodged in, and the old man didn't have the strength to pull her out. Finally, faced with the choice of drowning or pain, she stood up and let the water splash over her. The floor beneath her feet was slick and she slipped, tumbling down a flight of stairs. With the bucket still stuck to her head, she couldn't tell if she was awake, or knocked unconscious in the fall. The solution to this problem was evident when Duo's voice echoed down the stairs.  
  
"I didn't do it this time. Hey there girly. are you ok?"  
  
The old man cackled. "Lookie, we can see her pretty floral underpanties."  
  
Relena groggily awoke a few hours later with a pounding head, testimony to a drug induced sleep. There were reasons she refused to take painkillers of any kind. They made her feel weak, and not in full control of her body. She was pretty sure this notion came from Heero. He abhorred not being fully aware, and not being entirely in command of his body. He was the perfect soldier, so many relied on his expertise, and with just one slip so many could die.  
  
She crawled out of bed and squinted around the room in search of fresh water. Not even finding a cup so she could chance her luck with tap water, she tried swallowing with her parched throat. Deciding that she couldn't go another minute without something to drink, she left the stark comfort of her room in search for a nurse. To her immense surprise, there was no one in the dim hallway, nor could she hear any signs of life. Holding on to the rail, she stumbled down the hall and peered into the empty nurse's station.  
  
Wondering why there wouldn't be at least one nurse stationed on a floor with two patients, Relena rounded the corner and tripped over the prone body of a male nurse. The man probably doubled as a body guard, someone Heero counted on to protect her. She was suddenly frightened, not sure if she could take someone who fell one of Heero's trusted guards. She rummaged through his jacket, trying to fight off dizziness and find a weapon. His light green scrubs didn't leave many places to conceal a gun.  
  
"Are you looking for this?" Her head snapped up. Bunny ears peeked out from behind the front desk.  
  
"Looking for what?"  
  
"For this!" The ears flopped angrily. Finally he lifted his hand and showed her the gun, with the nozzle pointed to the ceiling. She took this time to dive over the counter and slam into him. In her distorted state, she just grazed his arm and continued on her journey towards the floor. She wildly grasped for anything to stop her fall. Her hand tightened around felt ears and she jerked the man backwards onto the ground. Two shots were fired before her face connected with the tile floor and his head smacked beside it.  
  
Relena scrambled away from the maniac in a bunny costume. Blood streamed from her nose and gathered on the front of her shirt. Half walking, half crawling she scuttled into the vast hallway. She could hear him laboring to get up behind her.  
  
"Come back here Relena. The pretty whore is just making it harder for herself. For every minute she struggles, shall be another five minutes of us fucking like rabbits." His squeaky voice echoed down the hall. She had figured it was computerly enhanced, but it seemed to be his natural pitch. At least now she was starting to comprehend the reason for the rabbit suit. It had to be some symbolism he got off on. The guy had to be very disturbed if he thought a bunnysuit would make him into more of a man.  
  
A shot ricocheted off the wall above her head. Disregarding her drug induced drowsiness, she spun around and slammed into the food cart mid-run.  
Arms flailing, the cart propelled through the door of a room and slammed into the bed. Food and Relena went flying. She crashed into the bed, somersaulted over it and crashed to the floor. The human bunny stood threateningly in the doorway. He aimed his gun, Relena screeched and ducked. The bullet slammed into the mattress of the bed. She tried to decide if it was safer to stay put, or to crawl under. The bed roared just as she pushed her leg under. Quickly she pulled it back out again. the bed obviously didn't like that.  
  
The blankets stirred and a shape rose menacingly from the cot. Relena's eyes almost bugged out of her head in shock. The blankie monster snarled and dove for bunnyboy. They grappled on the ground for a few minutes, the bunny hitting her new savior on the head with his big white paws. Suddenly, mid-battle, the sheetwarrior yawned, curled up in a ball and fell asleep. Relena gaped as floppyears stood over the prone man as if he won a victory.  
  
"The hare has finally won, you tortoise. Now its time to claim my prize." He winked at Relena and unzipped the pants to his bunny costume. "Its time to jack this rabbit up a notch." Relena couldn't make herself look away as he reached into his pants and pulled out a carrot. "Whoops, wrong one." She gagged and decided she wouldn't ever eat a salad again.  
  
Just as he was making another fishing trip, the sheet rose behind him. An arm reached out and grabbed the fluffy white tail on the back of the suit. The man yanked, and a ripping sound filled the air as the big ball of fluff turned. Relena was exposed to his hairless naked white pimply ass. There was a stench of corn chips in the air. A fist reached out from the blanket and slammed into the bunny's groin. The bunny laughed out loud and started hitting the heroic man with his giant pillowed paws again.  
  
Relena grabbed a Bible and smacked it across the rabbit's exposed hide, which wasn't very hidden. The rabbit turned and leered at her. Relena shivered in revulsion and crossed her arms over her chest. By the time the bunny turned around, the man who pulled his rear off was snoozing soundly.  
  
"Well, my beautiful Relena. My nose isn't what is wet this time." Relena raised an eyebrow and sweatdropped. The bunny continued. "You know, because rabbits usually have wet noses, but it's not my nose. Eugh, it doesn't matter, because right now I'm all chocolate coated. Eat me woman."  
  
Relena backed slowly away. "You don't want me to do anything. I'm sick, I'm in the hospital." She coughed desperately. "I might give you something. The plague or some mysterious new disease." She was backed into a window. A huge bunny hand reached up and pulled off the huge bunny head. Relena found herself face to face with her female Vice Foreign Minister. It came as a shock to realize that her terrorist was not a male. Her mouth opened but no words came out. She slid to the floor trying to evade that monstrous paw reaching for her chest.  
  
A foot kicked out in the dim light and sent the rabbit sailing through the window. The man slid to a rest at her feet. Relena untangled the sheet from around his head to find Heero sleeping peacefully on the floor. Peeking out the window, she peered down expecting to see blood and mashed gore beneath her, only to find the rabbit had fallen a few meters onto the roof of an adjacent wing.  
  
Satisfied that no one was hurt, she fell to the floor beside Heero for a well needed nap.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~+~~~~~~~~~~~+~~~~~~~~~~+~~~~~~~~~~+~~~~~~~~~~~+  
  
Part three of the Bunny Approach trilogy. If you enjoyed this, then please read my other stories.  
  
~Relena Fanel  
  
Is anyone reading this? I'm getting no reviews. I thought it was funny! 


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